Plus / delta...

At work we use a thing called plus/delta to assess how we are feeling about multiple facets of our day to day grind. Anytime there is a new initiative, a new curriculum, a new dismissal plan, a new set of forms to fill out, we also discuss our feelings using plus/delta terminology. It's basically a fancy way of saying what we think is going well and what we think really sucks about a specific topic.

Sometimes I don't think it's a bad idea to apply the same principal to our personal life. Identify areas that you think are going somewhat well and areas that you feel like you really suck at. If nothing else this can serve as a brain dump to get out what you are feeling and then make a plan to move past it.

So here is my plus/delta/good things/things that suck list:

Plus:
1. I am alive and God is my Father.
2. I am married to my best friend.
3. I have a job (well 2 jobs).
4. I have amazing kids.
5. I have a close group of friends I can rely on.

Delta:
1. My walk with God is not where I want it to be.
2. I feel very unorganized with every part of my life. I need to find a streamline system and do it.
3. My weight has come back. Get it off.
4. I need to prioritize time with Landen.
5. I need to be more present with my children. I need to look at them and watch them and listen to them.

Now I need to develop a plan. That comes next.

To be continued......

in the beginning...

I'm sitting in my living room, watching the evening sun poor through my muddy patio door windows. My Labradoodle, Urban, the cause of said muddy door windows, is peering at me curiously from the patio. I keep staring at this screen, trying to think about all the things I want to say. It's been so long since I've written, well, anything really.  I spent the last hour going back through all of my old posts and I feel so different. So much older, so much more aware of what life can throw at you. I miss parts of the old me but I also am learning to really embrace the new me. The space in between is the part that is missing in the history books of my adult life. My newly married life, my life as an expectant mother and then a new mom once, twice, and three times are all documented in this space. My journey through trying to find my place in the creative space of the world and doing whatever I thought would work even if nothing seemed to take off. So many fun things are written in the words of this blog. In the pages of my scrapbooks photos and journaling capture all the amazing things. Life is good, and life is still good so why do I feel like I have cheated myself somehow? I feel that when the writing stopped the real change began and I neglected it. I didn't write during the hardest, darkest time of my life. I didn't take time to write the thoughts that now, though the may not dominate my mind as often or intensely, still shape who I am as a 32 year old woman.

I have so many words and yet no idea where to start. The beginning is so long ago, I can't start there. When I think of the vast space between the last post and this one I feel like my life is missing in words. We are no longer in the same space, physically or mentally, and I don't know where to start to catch up.

We have lost loved ones, we have gained new ones, we have moved 2 times, we have changed jobs, we have added new jobs, we have tried new ventures and decided they weren't for us, our family has grown and changed and evolved and we are different yet better because of it.

I have emerged from the darkest period of my life and came out happier, but at the same time confused about how I got here because of the things I used to try and fill a void. I am no longer a scrapbooker who spends her nights documenting life, I am no longer a blogger who uses words to share stories and funny moments from life. I don't know who I am exactly. I do know that I have a huge desire to find out who I am. That words can't always be perfect or eloquent. That this space might get messy and might not make sense. Photos may be unedited and unfocused. I do know that no filters will get applied. No one may read these words...and that is okay. I am on a mission to rediscover who I am in this stage of my life. I am devoted to re-examining, re-creating, and re-locating myself and my place in this crazy world. I am headed on a lifelong journey with one simple goal....finding Amanda.

This is a test post

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